“Hi I'm seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, heartbreak, and possibly legal proceedings. I'm employed and adored at work due to all the crack I sprinkle in everyone's food. I'm also pretty stable (financially). I'm told I'm fairly good-looking, but I'll let you be the judge of that. My abstruse past includes being a former high school valedictorian, magna cum-laude, underwear model, hitman, and Olympic athlete.
Since I'm from the internet it must be true.I'm looking for an intelligent, witty, and attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise, and devotion then, afterwards allow us to reach paranoia, self-loathing, fear of rejection, and emotional abandonment. Ultimately, which leads her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to hatred and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or the other party, or if we're lucky... both! Oh, let's not forget the dangerous vices we'll take to fill that void afterwards! **Weight gain is optional.
Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:
* that have a history of short, intense, and drama-driven relationships
* enjoys stalking, both in person and online
* have undergone psychiatric evaluations in the past
* with nice smiles
* who drink to forget
* a stage 5 clinger
* willing to take one for the team and go to dinner with me
* a crazy cat and/or dog lady
* seeking 3-9 months of emotional chaos
* have a thing for ethnically ambiguous, tall, athletic, sarcastic, intellectual, and mysteriously dangerous men
Let's not forget, I like my breakups to be as memorable as it is devastating for both parties. This would ultimately culminate as inspiration for a new Taylor Swift/Adele song for the ages.
**By the way I was joking... for the most part ;)**
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